Rules
by BlueLunacy7
Summary: Owls and Larks/Rising Sun, Falling Star Universes: In the interest of inter-species cooperation and so we don't kill each other before the Decepticons have a chance to, I have written this list of useful rules.


Title: Rules

Author: BlueLunacy7

Pairings: Sam/Bee

Disclaimer: I do not own Transformers, basically, nothing you recognize is mine.

This one shot, drabble (whatever it would be considered) takes place in my Owls and Larks universe. You don't need to read Owls and Larks to get this but it would help.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

You have to learn the rules of the game. And then you have to play better than anyone else.- Albert Einstein

_For those of you don't know, my name is Sam Witwicky, Paranormal Mediator for the Autobots. In the interest of inter-species cooperation and so we don't kill each other before the Decepticons have a chance to, I have written this list of useful rules. While many are funny, I think they're useful anyway. _

_Any questions, comments or rule suggestions are welcomed._

_I would also like to state that yes, Bumblebee is my boyfriend. If you have a problem with this, I would like to assure you that I really don't give a damn. _

**Rules of NEST:**

**Rule 1: Assume Nothing.** You will always be wrong and most likely in trouble.

**Rule 2: Value the Paintjob.** If you purposely scratch, dent or otherwise deface an Autobot's (especially Bumblebee's) paint job, I will fuck you up.

**Rule 3: Names.** You need to learn the Autobots' names or at the very least their altmodes. Using Sector's Seven 'NBE' designations will most like get you blank looks for the most part. I would also like to state the only 'Scary One' I know of is my mother.

**Rule 4: Know Your Target.** Make sure those red 'eyes' you're aiming at are eyes and not taillights. The last thing you want to do is shoot an Autobot ally in the aft.

**Rule 5: Space Herpes.** There are no such things as Space Herpes. Ratchet has assured me that there are no STD's that we can catch from the Autobots nor can we get pregnant by them or vice versa. (So stop asking me.)

**Rule 6: Sickness.** If you're sick, don't say you have a virus. Among Cybertronians, even the most minor of viruses are deadly, so saying things like 'I have a stomach virus' will cause the Autobots to freak and you will be quarantined under Ratchet's tender care.

**Rule 7: Lubrication.** No pissing or lubricating on government officials. No matter how much they deserve it.

**Rule 8: Watch the Feet.** New Autobots and some dragons are not use to humans so they might step on you. Decepticons don't care.

**Rule 9: Check Ups.** If you have an appointment with Ratchet for a check up, suck it up and go. If he has to come find you, he's bringing an ass kicking with him, which is amusing for the rest of us but not so fun for you.

**Rule 10: Don't Be A Shit.** Like a horror movie, bad things will happen to you.

**Rule 11: Nicknames.** I am the only one allowed to call Ironhide 'Rust Bucket' because I'm special.

**Rule 12: Ratchet.** The bastard child of Gregory House and Chuck Norris. Fear him.

**Rule 13: Flirting.** If you're going to flirt with the soldiers on base, please flirt with the opposite sex. Meaning if you're male flirt with a female, if you're female flirt with a male, if you're both or neither, don't flirt. Homosexuality makes the army boys nervous and the last thing we need are twitchy people with big guns. Feel free to flirt with the Autobots, however.

**Rule 14: Ring Tones. **Jazz will changed the ring tones on your cell phone. Accept it.

**Rule 15: Carwashes.** Don't interrupt an Autobot during a carwash; it annoys them, especially since none of them has learned to wait their turn yet.

**Rule 16: Nudity.** In Shape-shifter culture, nudity isn't a taboo, so you may see some of them running around the base naked. This is not mean to be sexy or a come on so don't get any ideas.

**Rule 17: Tolerance.** If one asked you an embarrassing or offensive question or acts in an embarrassing or offensive way, explain why it is embarrassing or offensive. There are many different species and cultures in NEST, so what may be embarrassing or offensive for you may not be for someone else.

**Rule 18: Food.** Do not feed off the humans with expressed written permission and a note from a medic.

**Rule 19: Pick Up.** Do not pick people up unless it is an emergency or you have their permission. Being suddenly grabbed and lifted into the air makes them nervous and can make them sick.

**Rule 20: That's not where I Parked.** Autobots have a strange sense of humor. One of their favor pranks is to move or move your car into a new parking space and then pretend they had been there the whole time.

0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Author's note:

This something I wrote while I should have been studying for a math test.

Enjoy.

-BlueLunacy7


End file.
